Marriage/Commentary: THE INTERNET AND INTIMACY

From: Root & Branch Association, Ltd.
To: heb_roots_chr@hebroots.org
Subject: Marriage/Commentary: THE INTERNET AND INTIMACY by Rebbetzin
Faige Twerski

by Rebbetzin Faige Twerski

YERUSHALIYIM, D.C. (David's Capital), (Second Day -- "Monday"), 13 Sivan,
5761

THE INTERNET AND INTIMACY
by Rebbetzin Faige Twerski

http://aish.com/family/rebbitzen/The_Internet_and_Intimacy.asp

A WOMAN WRITES:

My husband is having an e-mail relationship with a woman friend. I
consider it a violation of boundaries, but he insists it is just a
friendship. Because this person lives in another country, there is no
physical contact and it could indeed be labeled a "friendship".

I do not want to forbid my husband from having a friend. But, I feel that
the nature of this e-mail correspondence is creating a violation in my
marriage -- it is private, instantaneous, and it makes it easy to confide
innermost feelings. It is detracting from the intimacy I used to feel with
my husband, and I feel that there is a third person now living in my house.

I have a friend whose marriage is ending in divorce because of an online
affair. Another friend is aware of a correspondence but is waiting for
time to tell. Could you please comment on this growing phenomenon, and
perhaps give guidelines as to what is appropriate and what is not? I am
confused and uncertain.

REBBETZIN TWERSKI ANSWERS:

Intimacy in marriage is generally misunderstood to be merely physical.

The Jewish perspective informs that the physical is only one chapter of the
intimacy story. The other critical elements that make up the full equation
consist of the mind, body, soul and heart. Indeed, if any of these
dimensions are missing, the relationship is deficient.

PROHIBITIONS

Jewish law prohibits intimate physical relations between husband and wife
if they are not on a par emotionally. There are nine conditions under
which physical intimacy is prohibited.

Among these are:

If the couple has quarreled and are still at odds with one another.

If either one is thinking of divorce.

If either is drunk.

If either one is thinking of another person of the opposite gender, etc.

These are all situations that speak to hearts and minds that are not
totally committed to and engaged with each other.

Nachmanides [Rabbi Moses ben Nachman], a 12th century commentator, in a
letter written to his son in preparation for his wedding, underscores the
emotional component of intimacy without which, he states, the conjugal
human experience is lowered to one more consistent with animal behavior:

"When the focus is a physical one alone, it is a flagrant contradiction of
the Hebrew term for intimacy, which is 'yedia' (knowledge). As in: 'And
Adam knew Eve, his wife'".

The definition of "knowing" expands cohabitation to thorough understanding
of one's spouse's feelings, concerns, fears, doubts, and vulnerabilities.

Nachmanides notes that "yedia" (knowledge) flows from the loftiest of human
resources, the mind.

GARMENTS OF THE SOUL

Kabalistic works as well as other sources, teach that the soul of the human
being clothes itself in three garments by which it manifests itself in the
world:

Thought
Word
Deed

Thoughts are the crucible of our expressed emotions as well as our
behavior. Where is a person really at, ask Chassidic sources? Not
necessarily where one is physically standing, but rather where his thoughts
take him.

A noted Hassidic rebbe, at the conclusion of a Sabbath service, shook the
hand of one of his congregants with a Shalom Aleichem "Welcome Home". The
congregant, in great bewilderment, protested that he hadn't traveled
anywhere. The rebbe responded, that while physically he had been present
during services, his mind and his thoughts had been on his business trip to
Europe; now that his thoughts had returned him to the here and now, the
rebbe welcomed him back.

While it is true that the email relationship in which the writer's husband
is engaged is not a physical one, it obviously occupies the focus of his
thoughts and thereby constitutes a breach of intimacy between husband and
wife.

Shared feelings and communication are the currency of intimacy. To the
extent that a mind that is preoccupied with another of the opposite gender,
it is not "there" for his spouse. The better part of him is absent, and
the exclusive intimate relationship has been compromised.

BUILDING A BRIDGE

I would recommend that the couple choose to speak with someone they both
trust -- therapist, rabbi or wise friend. The wife should divest herself
of rancor and defensiveness and focus instead on ways to bridge the gap in
their relationship. How can they create an emotional environment that is
safe for sharing and confiding to each other their innermost feelings? How
can they bring friendship back into their marriage?

The husband needs to understand that resorting to the Internet to meet this
particular need of friendship is "a copout" and "easy fix". It's an
avoidance mechanism that precludes putting forth the necessary effort that
a marriage requires. A good marriage demands renewal and constant infusion
of new energy.

An e-mail relationship is an exposure to a small part of a person. It
creates an out of context impression of that person. It is exposure to
that individual with none of the myriad of the nitty-gritty daily life
stresses and pressures that challenge all of us and invariably reduce us in
size and stature in our spouses' eyes.

The e-mail correspondents share none of these. Their relationship is
uncontaminated by real life. As such it is a mere fantasy and illusion.

Recognizing that there is something significant missing in a marriage,
confronting it, and addressing it with the willingness to put forth the
requisite hard work can make the relationship stronger than ever.

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